Part 3 - Marriage & Motherhood

Although aware that my marriage was not what I had envisaged or dreamed of, I took it seriously. I considered marriage to be for life. It did not take long to realize that getting married did not fix issues that already existed. About 3 months into marriage, it hit me that I was in this for life. It was a bad moment. I was 18 years old and felt trapped in a relationship I hadn't even wanted to be in in the first place. I saw the years stretching out before me, empty and miserable. I kept my unhappiness to myself, and carried on, trying to do the "right thing".

On a positive note, I loved being a mother. When I was younger, one of my "dream jobs" was to run an orphanage! I was blessed with very easy little babies, who were all good sleepers and free from health problems. One of the questions I have been asked is, "Why did you have so many children if your marriage was unhappy?" The answer is simple. Dave and I both liked children, we both wanted children, and we hoped that our marriage would eventually be successful. Regardless of what happened in our marriage, we both love our children very much.

Family life was fairly general. We attended church, Dave worked, and I was a stay-at-home mother. Both of us were involved in music ministry. That had always been an area of common interest. To others our marriage probably appeared fairly normal; some people have said as much. But deep inside, I was finding the situation more and more unbearable. I used mental fantasy as an escape to blot out the reality of physical intimacy. Years later I was delivered from a demon of mental fantasy lust which I had opened a door to by doing this. I share details of this deliverance here. I was very hard on myself, regretting the decisions that had resulted in this union. It was not till we separated that I was able to view what had happened more objectively.

When we had been married for 3 years, I reached a breaking point. Then I had another dramatic experience; this time a tangible spiritual encounter. I was standing in my kitchen drying dishes. Suddenly I felt I could not go on for another minute. I told God out loud in anguish that I could no longer stand it. Suddenly, Someone was standing right there beside me - so close and so clear that it seemed audible. A Voice said firmly, "You have to tell "Dave" how you feel." That night, I explained to Dave how I really felt, how I had cried out to God, and how a Voice had answered. That day was the start of a new chapter. Two things began to happen simultaneously. One was that we initiated professional marriage counselling. The other was that I found out first-hand that satan's demonic realm is real.

Part 1: The Growing Years Part 2: Teenage Relationship Part 3: Marriage & Motherhood Part 4: Touched by Darkness Part 5: Struggling with Temptation Part 6: Divorce & Single Parenthood Part 7: Married Again Part 8: This Present Life