Part 4 - Touched by Darkness

"For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but against the evil spiritual forces in the heavenly realm, the rulers, powers and principalities of this dark age." Ephesians 6:12

I assure you that what I describe below really happened. I'm a down-to-earth person who likes to fact-check so I was as surprised as anyone else when these things took place.

I was in hospital with my newly born third child. One night I was quite fearful for no particular reason. Feeling a bit paranoid, and being alone in the ward, I checked all the cupboards. Nothing was out of order. I tried to go to sleep. Just as I was beginning to drift off, I felt someone trying to pull my head backwards. They were standing behind me. Instinctively I said "Get behind me, satan...". The pulling stopped and I got up and looked around, but nobody was there except myself and my baby. I was quite frightened and it took a while to fall asleep. I asked God not to let that happen again.

Nothing quite like that happened, but a bunch of other stuff did. A couple of months later, I was lying at home in bed, back to back with Dave. It was about 5am. I thought he turned over and put his arms round me. Suddenly I felt tremendously frightened. Then something tried to smother me! I instinctively knew that it was a demon. I tried to say "Go in the Name of Jesus!" It, or they, tried to stop me from speaking. Dave heard me moaning and spoke to me, asking if I was alright. I was scared out of my wits! All I could say was "I - was- oppressed". I was aware that whatever it was was still there in the darkness. And Dave had not turned over at all, but still had his back to me. I got no more sleep that night - I was too frightened to sleep.

Later that day we phoned the local pastor. He and some others came to pray for our house. They prayed that that wouldn't happen to me again. As before, I wasn't attacked quite like that again, but it was the start of a couple of years of encounters with demons.

I began having demonic nightmares a lot. Usually, I would be dreaming that I was praying for someone who was possessed by a demon. But when I told the demon to go in Jesus' Name, the person would jeer and glare at me, I would get frightened and cry out for Jesus. Then Dave would hear me struggling in my sleep and wake me up.

I sought counselling about the nightmares. Someone suggested I read a book by Don Basham called "Deliver Us From Evil". It was Don's autobiography about how God had led him into the deliverance ministry. It was very helpful in that it explained what was going on. Don explained how to address these entities in the Lord's authority. God began to show me areas of my life and past that were giving the devil a foothold in my life, even though I was a Christian.

Not long before I read Don's book, I had a particularly disturbing demonic nightmare. After it I rang the pastor - he had previously given permission to do that even if it was the middle of the night. I was sitting in the kitchen. As he and Dave were talking on the phone, I heard snakes hissing right behind my head. They sounded like they were right there. I wanted to turn round and look but was too scared. Dave got off the phone, and began talking to me. I was aware of him there but he seemed far away. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor, regaining consciousness, and he was back on the phone telling the pastor that he'd been yelling at satan to "get lost". The pastor prayed right then and there on the phone, and immediately I had to rush to the toilet. It was gross but demons are gross. Straight after that I was fine. I now know I had experienced deliverance with manifestation of a demon, as I have since witnessed many other people go through the same thing. To this day I don't know what kind of spirit left me that night. I'm just glad it's gone!

Nightmares continued. Soon after that experience, I went to a ministry meeting held by the late Bill Subritsky, where I received prayer. I got as far as saying to Bill, "I've been having nightmares..." when he looked at my neck and said "Bondage of the occult go in Jesus' Name!" Then he went off to pray for the next person. A minute or two later I began to feel sick and faint, and had to sit down. Then I was fine. I had never been directly involved in the occult, apart from reading the odd horoscope now and then as a teenager, and we had some jigsaws with signs of the zodiac that I used to do. The zodiac seemed fashionable at the time. But people in my family line had been more heavily involved in the occult. One of the things I learned during those couple of years is that both the blessings and the sins of one generation can affect following generations (this is declared within the ten commandments in the Bible). Sometimes we don't realize what spiritual danger we put our own children in!

A few nights after that meeting, I had the usual dream about someone with a demon. But this time it was different! I marched up to the demon-possessed person and rebuked them in the Name of Jesus. They got very frightened and ran away. I have never had another dream like that to this day. I did have other dreams where I was shown other different things though. I will be putting some of my dreams on the "Dreams" page.

Not long after this, we moved to another place. I continued to have weird experiences, both asleep and awake. The kind of attack I experienced the most during that time was being "stabbed" in the side. Usually I would be trying to sleep, feeling somewhat uneasy, and when I began to drift off, then it would start. While this was clearly a spiritual attack, I felt it physically. It was very painful - if you can imagine that someone is trying to push their fingers into your side forcefully until it really hurts, that's what it was like. I would be trying to move away, and would not be able to, and then I'd be telling the demon to go in Jesus' name. After a short time it would stop, and yes, I did sometimes feel a physical ache afterwards for a little while, although there were no visible marks on my side. I did get used to the attacks in one sense. They weren't as frightening over time and number, and eventually I even got angry with the demons. But they were always unpleasant, and always made me uneasy. I was frustrated that they kept trying to attack me at all.

There was a particular "smothering" demon that often attacked me in broad daylight. It was my custom, as a mother of pre-schoolers, to try and have a rest for an hour or two in the afternoon while the babies were sleeping. This thing would drape itself all over me and I couldn't get up or see properly (like what some people now call "sleep paralysis"). I would be lying there looking at the digital clock, and think, okay, time to get up, then it would be there, stopping me moving. One day I said to this thing, "You can't stay here...Jesus has freed me!". I felt it get up and leave immediately, and I could move again. However, it still tried to come back on other days.

Sometimes at night, I would find myself walking around the house in spirit form, telling evil things to go in Jesus' Name. One night I found myself sitting up in bed in spirit form while my body lay before me. I could see a demon on the other side of the room. It looked like a weedy little man wearing trousers but no shirt, and had lots of bushy hair. I told it to go in Jesus' Name. It ran up the wall and out through the ceiling!

I recall one Wednesday night in which I got no sleep at all. I was aware of a demon in the room, and could hear it moving around, touching things, and then it tried to squeeze my face. As I told it to get away from me in Jesus' name, once again it tried to stop the words and to my ears, the words sounded muffled. However, Dave heard me say the words as "clear as a bell", as he said. The thing seemed to just be tormenting me just for the fun of it.

I wondered why this was still going on. I had received much prayer from people with well-known deliverance ministries, Holy Spirit had also revealed bondages to me and how they came about, which bondages I then renounced in the name of Jesus, and sometimes another Christian would have a "word of knowledge" from Holy Spirit about a bondage. (I will share some of this on the Deliverances page later.) During this time, I learned the authority that the name of Jesus has over demons. When they attacked me, I commanded them to leave in the name of Jesus, and although they tried to stop me from saying the words, they couldn't, and couldn't withstand His name, and the attack would stop for the time being. But they kept trying to come back at another time and I was puzzled how they could. It did prove, though, that the name of Jesus has power and authority over demons; therefore, Jesus is a real threat to them. He Himself said: "He who the Son sets free is free indeed!" (John 8:36). So, according to His word, since I belonged to Jesus, I was free - or should be! I wondered if I was totally possessed but really did not feel that way. The interrupted sleep was taking a toll, as I had little ones to care for. Some Christians do not believe Christians should ever need deliverance. What happened to me is proof that they can. I find it significant also that this demonic activity began at a time when I was seeking God more deeply than I ever had before in my life.

By this time, it was abundantly clear to me that there are evil beings existing in a realm around us that we can't usually see. During those couple of years, I glimpsed that realm many times, and have on occasion since then. But I was also shown that there are holy, beautiful and good beings in a realm around us, that we also can't usually see, and they are more powerful than the evil beings. I will share more about this on another page. Around this time, I had a lovely experience of this. I was playing the piano at church one Sunday morning. During the singing I sensed the power of God on the singing. I felt compelled to play spontaneously at the end of one particular song. As I did, the people also sang spontaneously and enthusiastically. Suddenly a brilliant, bright, white light went through me from head to toe. It was so warm, strong and powerful that it brought tears to my eyes. It was a little like a gentle electric shock, but did not hurt at all. It was so powerful that I could hardly keep playing, but I managed. It was wonderful. It was so bright that I thought everyone must have seen it.

Afterwards, I was with a couple of leaders, and one of them mentioned that the singing had been particularly anointed that day. I agreed and said how neat I thought that light was. They both looked at me blankly, and I realized neither of them had seen it. Many times in years since, when I have had a thought of doubting God's existence, I'm reminded of that light, plus other tangible spiritual encounters of the good kind, and know, that yes, there is a Holy God, a Supreme Being, in a spiritual realm beyond what we can see. I'm as sure of this as I am that there is a sun and a moon out in the sky. Sometimes I hear people scoffing about God, suggesting He is a figment of the imagination, an old-fashioned crutch to hang onto, or a fairy tale. With the plethora of biographies now online in which people describe spiritual encounters similar to mine and more, it is clear that there is a lot more to our existence than just the earthly one we humans can see.

After the demonic attacks had been going on for about two years, with no apparent likelihood of stopping, I felt desperate. And very tired! I asked God to lead me to someone who could help stop the attacks altogether. Someone suggested I visit a particular local minister, Neil, in another church, who was also known for his gift of discernment in deliverance ministry.

Dave and I went to see Neil together. While I'm endeavouring to minimize events concerning Dave, since he is forgiven and has a life to go on with as well, in this instance I need to mention him as he was part of both problem and solution.

The man listened to my account of the demonic activity. Then he turned to Dave and asked him some personal questions about our marriage and how was his prayer life? To which Dave acknowledged that the former wasn't in good shape and the latter almost non-existent. The man then bluntly stated that I was being attacked because my husband wasn't doing his prayerful duty as "priest of the home" (The letters of Peter in the New Testament are often referred to regarding this). Dave had been advised many times by others to pray for myself and the children but had rarely done so.

We both sat there stunned. I said I thought I must have some big problem. Neil said "probably not". He was so blunt with Dave that Dave began to pray for the children and I that very night - and the attacks stopped! Dave kept up the praying diligently for about 3 weeks, then began to forget and I was attacked again. However, as he got into the habit of praying regularly, the attacks stopped altogether. For a few weeks, if Dave slowed up the praying, I might experience something, or if there was something amiss in my own life that I had not dealt with before the Lord, I might experience something, but very soon demonic attacks became a thing of the past. That marriage ended some years later, but the attacks didn't return to the former kind again, although I have had many other encounters of the spiritual realm since then. I will share some of them on the "Supernatural Encounters" page.

I don't know why God allowed this to be dealt with that way. Perhaps He wanted to show me the spiritual realm, perhaps He wanted to show both of us how important prayer is, perhaps He wanted to show us about the spiritual accountability a husband has as priest of the home. What I have shared may not be in agreement with someone else's theology; however, that doesn't change the fact that all this happened.

Since that time, I have found that sometimes I can discern the presence of a demon in a place or a person. They have no authority over a believer, no matter how loud or unpleasant the demon may be. I will describe some of these instances later, also. Although demons are real, and they do influence people, they are not responsible for everything. The Bible tells us that we have two enemies: one is the devil and his army of demons (Ephesians). The other is our own sinful nature (Galations). So sometimes we ourselves are responsible for what goes wrong, because of our choices.

Some people teach that the devil has a legal right to a believer of Jesus. He doesn't. If you have given your life to Jesus, then it belongs to Him. Jesus bought your whole self with His very blood - He paid the price, not just for the good parts of you, but all of you! "But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8). So devils have no right to you! As a simple analogy, if you buy a house and go out one day and forget to lock the door, it does not make it acceptable for someone to come and steal from your house, although they may try! Demons only stay on us because of our ignorance, or because we let them. They "play dirty" to all. But when a believer in Christ means business and wants demons gone, then the Lord will reveal which ones are still hanging around, and they have to go when told to in the name of Jesus. Sometimes the Lord reveals negative words that have been spoken over us by others, even by previous generations, that demons take advantage of to hang around families. These demons are often referred to as familiar spirits and will try to get subsequent generations to fall into the same difficulties or sin areas. Again, these word curses and familiar spirits have no power when told to go in the name of Jesus. In the same way, words of blessing can bring blessings to future generations.

I mentioned that at the same time that I began to experience satan's realm, Dave and I also began marriage counselling. At that time, I also began to experience an intense mental struggle regarding marital fidelity.

Part 1: The Growing Years Part 2: Teenage Relationship Part 3: Marriage & Motherhood Part 4: Touched by Darkness Part 5: Struggling with Temptation Part 6: Divorce & Single Parenthood Part 7: Married Again Part 8: This Present Life