Part 6 - Separation, Divorce & Single Parenthood

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a Voice saying, 'This the way, walk in it.' " Isaiah 30:21

When we separated, I felt hugely released. I began to move on, although I did grieve deeply that our marriage had failed. The first year was a time of settling, getting used to the change, and I withdrew from fellowship to some degree. I had a couple of lovely friends who supported me emotionally, without harsh judgment.

I found out that God still cared about me - was still with me. I began to learn how merciful, loving and compassionate He is - far more so than any of us. In fact, years later, I'm still coming to grips with how much greater His love is than ours. Jesus said, in the Bible, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." I realized that I had passed judgment in my heart on others who had been through marriage breakup. Now I saw it from a more understanding perspective. A verse which was such a comfort to me during that time was Psalm 103:13, which says:

"As a father has compassion on His children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him,
for He knows how we are formed,
He knows we are but dust."

A different kind of healing began. There were patterns to undo and new perspectives to learn. Praise God, He is faithful and does heal. In that first year while still in the same town as my now ex-husband, I was an emotional wreck. I knew I needed to get up and actually leave the area, but didn't have the strength at first.

At the end of that first year, I got my first computer and connected to the World Wide Web, which had not long been established. Since I was a stay-at-home mum who didn't go out a lot, but enjoyed writing letters, I did a search for "Christian penpal" and discovered what was then Christian Connection Matchmaker (CCM). While it was a dating site, it was also a Christian friendship site. I made a lot of new friends, some of who are still good friends to this day.

I quickly re-discovered my interest in computer programming. I learned HTML and began to design web sites for personal enjoyment and a few friends, and also began university study. With my mind now moving on, I was finally strong enough to move away from the area. I moved to the city that was my "home town" as such. I recall the feeling of "coming home" when the children and I arrived, with the city's bright night lights lighting up the evening sky. I had struggled quite a bit with the relationship with the other person, but was eventually able to let it go. Making new friends via the Internet helped a lot, as did moving away.

I became very cautious about any relationship with a man anywhere. I particularly have an aversion to getting romantically friendly with a man who is already involved with someone. I had a couple of interesting experiences as far as the opposite gender goes, on the Internet, and conclude from those and from observing other people's online relationships that the Net can never replace real life when it comes to getting to know someone properly. I had also developed a huge mistrust of men in general that caused me to be paranoid, suspicious and somewhat obsessive.

It was four years before Dave and I got divorced. There was plenty of contraversy about it in Christian circles! I was unsure about it all; I made a conscious decision and told God I would remain single, but that I would leave a five percent possibility of remarriage in case He wanted me to marry again some time. The instant I did that, my being was filled with a deep warmth, peace, and contentment.

I did remarry. But before that happened, I was a single parent for six years. While there were the usual challenges of having teenagers and young children, it was a happy time for me. I recall arriving home with a feeling of contentment and joy, such as I had not experienced during my marrage. I found out that life could be pleasurable, and that one did not have to be married to be happy! There were isolated occasions when I might think, "Oh, it would be nice to have someone to intimately share this special time with", but those times were few and far between. I just got on with looking after my children, studying, and enjoying life and my relationship with God. I often thought how nice life was. The "trapped" feeling was gone.

Dave moved to the same city about a year later. After he and I separated, some of my own extended family asked me how I felt about them continuing to invite him to family events, etc. I responded that just because my relationship with Dave had ceased, did not mean they had to cease their friendships with him. So they continued to invite him to family occasions as before, for a long time. My own sisters and father were wonderfully supportive to me and we are all very close. I'm grateful to each of them. My father, in particular, has been extremely supportive with practical matters. My mother, who had always also been very supportive and helpful with the children, went to be with the Lord when my youngest was eight months old. How she would have enjoyed the Internet!

I experienced another "deliverance" during that single parent time. Behind us, there lived another single parent and her only son. He would have been about ten when we met them. He longed to have a relationship with his natural father. The mother tried to organize occasions for him to be with his father, but more often than not, the father would let him down, usually by just not turning up. Over those adolescent years, this boy developed severe behavioural problems, taking out the situation on his mother, with violence and other abuse. The authorities were involved. We really felt for them, of course, and tried to befriend them. But at the same time, I felt angry at how this boy, fast becoming a young man, abused his mother. I became very disturbed at my own thoughts of how I would punish him! I asked God to help me stop having such thoughts.

Not long after this, one morning I was lying down in a drowsy state, and some "words" came to me, one after another, in a row. They were "Violence", "Crime Violence" and "The Baron". I felt compelled to renounce each of these things in the name of Jesus. As soon as I did, I saw a black mist rise up from my legs. After that, I had no more violent thoughts towards the neighbour's son.

Life took an unexpectedly romantic turn when a new man came into my life.

Part 1: The Growing Years Part 2: Teenage Relationship Part 3: Marriage & Motherhood Part 4: Touched by Darkness Part 5: Struggling with Temptation Part 6: Divorce & Single Parenthood Part 7: Married Again Part 8: This Present Life